We’re often told to always be kind to others, such as family, friends, co-workers, and others. But what if being too kind is punishing you by leaving you feeling empty? Does always putting others first truly make you a hero, or does it leave you feeling secretly dissatisfied?
The concept seems simple: be kind, and the world will be kind in return. But the reality is far from it. Here’s the hard truth that regularly goes unsaid: sometimes, kindness becomes a one-way street leading straight to personal burnout. Ancient Stoics, masters of personal wisdom and inner peace, warned us about this very paradox. They advocated for balanced kindness—kindness that serves others without forgetting about your own needs and goals.
If you’ve ever felt taken for granted despite your generosity, or if the constant focus on others makes you feel lost, this one’s for you. Let’s dig into the pitfalls of selfless giving and learn how to stay kind without harming yourself.
How do you know if you are being taken advantage of?
Imagine this: your schedule is being held hostage, meals are skipped, and you are losing sleep because someone else needs you. It’s slowly wearing you down. You’re valued only for what you do, not for who you are. It’s like your cup isn’t just empty, it’s cracked and leaking, and any goodwill you try to pour into it just disappears.
Often we suffer more in our imagination than in reality. But when your reality equals “keep giving”, it’s not just your imagination that suffers—it’s you! Ask yourself this: How often have you felt that your generosity was expected, but not really appreciated? If the answer is often or consistently, take it as a wake-up call. This is your chance to use some stoic wisdom to balance your life.
Stoicism is not about being cold or distant. It’s about knowing your limits. You must care for yourself to be able to truly help others. If there’s an emergency on a plane, it’s important to wear an oxygen mask first before helping others. If you can’t breathe, you won’t have any O2 left to support someone else. Prioritize the person inside of you, refill that cup, and then you’ll have plenty to share without breaking down. Start this week by taking note of how often you say yes and whether it aligns with your own goals or needs. Remember, it’s not just about being available to others—it’s about being there for yourself.
The Magnetism of Misplaced Kindness
Isn’t it powerful to feel needed? Being the one everyone turns to can make us feel valuable, like we truly matter. It’s magnetic, but there comes a point when we set ourselves up for failure.
Excessive kindness doesn’t just attract gratitude; it becomes an open invitation for those who will take advantage. This pattern of repeatedly helping those who show little respect is a clear sign your kindness is misplaced.
Seneca, a Greek philosopher, once said, “Associate with those who are likely to improve you.” Distinguishing between genuine need and opportunistic taking helps you choose when and how to give and to whom. Remember, not everyone will understand or respect your boundaries. Friends can forget their place and ask for more because they’ve gotten used to it. Clear boundaries prevent bitterness and make sure your genuine kindness reaches those who truly value it.
It begins innocently. We lend a hand, expecting nothing in return, yet deep down, a part of us yearns for acknowledgment, gratitude, or even a simple thank you. When this acknowledgment doesn’t come, our initial selflessness turns to a sense of injustice. This is the expectation trap, where our once pure intentions get tangled in a web of unmet expectations, leaving us feeling undervalued and overlooked.
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus wisely advised, “Be not elated at any excellence not your own.” He reminds us that the beauty of kindness lies in the act itself, not in the recognition it might or might not get. When we understand this, we let go of the expectation trap. Feeling unappreciated can hurt our relationships and our emotional well-being. Instead of building connections, our expectations make things harder.
It’s important to look at why we do what we do. Are our acts of kindness really selfless, or are they hidden transactions where we subconsciously want something in return? Stoicism teaches us to be content with just giving, not expecting to receive in return. By giving without expectation, we keep our inner peace and find real fulfillment in our actions.
But this doesn’t mean you should become indifferent. Instead, it’s about finding joy in the generosity of our spirit, no matter what happens. To pull yourself out of this trap, start by acknowledging your feelings of disappointment. They’re valid. Reflect on your intentions and adjust them if necessary. Remember that your actions don’t lose value because they go unnoticed.
To escape the expectation trap, you have to change your perspective, guided by Stoic principles. It means giving for the sake of giving, loving for the sake of loving, and finding happiness within ourselves. By doing this, we break free of expectations and develop a deeper understanding of kindness. In other words, choose when to give because it matters to you, and when you have the opportunity to. Ask yourself if helping someone who doesn’t appreciate your kindness really matters to you. If it does, explain that it might be a challenge to support and ask for something reasonable or loving in return. These are three ways to help you balance these actions.
1. Understand your fear
- Acknowledge the reasons behind your fear of saying no. Are you worried about disappointing others or being judged?
- Reflect on past experiences where you said yes out of fear. Understanding the root cause helps in addressing it.
2. Practice self-compassion
- Be kind to yourself: Realize that saying no is not a sign of weakness or selfishness. It’s a way to protect your well-being.
- Affirmations: Use positive affirmations to remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize your needs. For example, “My needs are important too.”
3. Set clear boundaries
- Define your limits: Know your personal limits and be clear about them with others.
- Communicate clearly: Politely but firmly communicate your boundaries. For example, “I can’t take on this task right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”
4. Practice saying no
- Start small: Begin with low-stakes situations to build your confidence. Say no to small requests that don’t align with your priorities.
- Role-play: Practice scenarios with a friend where you say no. This helps in preparing for real-life situations.
5. Offer alternatives
- Suggest Other Solutions: If you feel guilty about saying no, offer an alternative that doesn’t compromise your well-being. For example, “I can’t help with this project, but I can suggest someone else who might be able to.”
6. Pay attention to your feelings
- Write it down: Practice introspection and mindfulness to understand your reactions and feelings, especially when you are generous. Keep a journal to make sure that your acts of kindness come from a place of joy instead of obligation or self-deception. Writing it down makes it easier to trust your inner compass and acknowledge that your feelings are important indicators of your well-being.
7. See yourself as a priority
- Schedule ‘Me Time’: Regularly schedule time for activities that energize you, whether it’s reading, exercising, or simply relaxing. Treat these appointments with yourself as non-negotiable. Do it like the Dutch and Germans! Put me-time in your calendar to make sure you stick to them.
- Prioritize Your Needs: Before committing to helping others, check in with yourself. Ensure that your own needs and well-being are taken care of first. For example, “I’ll help you after I’ve had some rest and completed my own tasks.”
Remember that true generosity isn’t about giving until you’re depleted. It’s about finding joy in the act of giving without focusing on the outcome or the approval of others.
